I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
