Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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