just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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