He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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