I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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