the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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