That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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