so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
