god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
