I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
there is glitter all over my balls
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
