don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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