I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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