I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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