Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
