I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
