I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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