I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
