Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
