I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
So much rum. So many feels.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I need to calm my uterus...
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
