im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
