If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
It's blow job season.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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