...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
