I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
as a side note pls kill me
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
