he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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