I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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