I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
