I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
