The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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