I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
