You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Randomize
