what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
