I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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