Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
