You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
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