Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Randomize
