Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
