I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
