i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
