You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
