At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
