My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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