i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
