my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
