Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
