so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
