My sheets look like a crime scene.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
