How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
