It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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