i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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