It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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